Fireduck

1999.11.03

My life seems to go around in little stupid circles. I am bored and depressed. I am that way alot these days. Nothing to look forward too, nothing worth fighting for...not reason to care. I just stay alive based on that it will probably get better and I don't have a real lot to lose. I remember feeling this way before. I can't remember what I do about. Probably hide in books or computers and felt generally bitter and contemptful of the world. Sounds like a plan, but I don't have any good books and computers got boring, so I can't hide from reality...it is always there. I used to have an arrangment in that respect...I didn't bother reality and it didn't bother me. Looks like that is over. I could escape in alcohol, but that is probably pit that will be very hard to dig out of once I fall in. So far I only drink about once a week. I don't know if I have the will power to stop it from becoming more often. I could beat it easily...I could endure just about anyhting if I thought there was a point...some to fight for...back in the day I would convinve my self that I was in love with some nice girl and I would be ok for a while....lost in hope...and even after the hope was killed, I would still remember what I am looking for..right now I can't. I don't let myself feel that way anymore...too often I would get hurt and drive away people who would be my friends....so I have nothing to dream about...I know what I want dosen't exist and if she did exist, she wouldn't want me. That is a sad thing to know. It would be nice to think that a guy who cares as much as I do..a guy who is willing to take the time to listen and care would have a chance...but I don't think so. Females always go for the comfidant jerk. I am not a jerk...I don't know how to play those games with peoples minds....I am not confidant...too many times of being rejected has broken that...sure I am condifant with my work...with technical things...but not with the opposite sex. Plus I don't look that good. I like to think that I am not un attractive, but I know that I am not attractive either. As I examin my situation I feel a stuborness...something hard and strong inside me that says that I will not fail and will succee on my own terms...but I know that confidance will fade in an hour. True I will not give up...I still will hold a thread of the idea of not always being alone...but I don't beleive it...I readd the looks in peopls eyes too well...I know what they never say and it makes me depressed.

I will not accept defeat...I will not...break me 100 times and 100 times I will get back up.

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