Fireduck

1999.11.18

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate knowing what is going to happe. I would like to think that I know what is going to happen around me because I am such a smooth character and can deduce things based on carefull analysis of input...but I know that is not the only thing. I can do that to some extent...it tells me alot of that will happen with great accuracy but there is more than that. I think nothing supprises me because I have trained myself to not take risks. If you don't do anyhting, nothing intersting will happen. That and I have also trained myself to expect very little from life, therefor I am not disapointed when that is what I get...the end effect is that I lead an existace where I am ok just doing little stupid human shit most of the time, but whenever I think about it I get pissed off an depressed because I don't know where I am going or why I should care anyways. Mostly because I am afraid to care..afraid to take risks...I used to take risks...but whenever I did, I would get hurt...I play things safe now...I only enter a battle that I know I can win...I never take the wild gamble. I used to. I used to be a madman. Sometiems I still am, but not too often. Been hurt too many times...whenever I take a risk and reach out, whatever I extend gets chopped off. The real question is, do I fail because I never expected to succed or because I don't have what it takes? I know I don't have what it takes to beleive I can succed. Too many social failures has taken that confidance away from me, which paves the road for only fairure...how to break out of this loop...how to be strong engough to take a risk and daring enough to not be afraid of being hurt again....I could do it right now...I could walk up to a girl, look her in the eyes and talk to her about anything...but that is this moment..that will fad...maybe I will even keep thise feeling till tomorrow...even if I do...it will all come crashing down the first negative remark I get..the first little thing that brings back to mind the fear of failure...it is a bitch of an uphill battle...I can do it...I know I can...I was not raised to be weak...but I don't know how I can...If this makes sense to anyone, drop me a line and let me know that I am not completely insane. Thanks. They'll never take me alive. By that I mean I will never give up...I will never give in...i will never do exactly as I am told...I will not be the man the Tv says I should be...I will breath air on my own terms...I will win in my way...maybe I will bleed 90% of my blood on the ice before that happens, but I will do it my way.

Right now my page is about 7500 words. After it is long enough, I want to get it published, as is. Typos and all. It would be great. Maybe I should say fuck the printed book shit...stupid publishers and editors and all that commerical crap, but there is something about holding a book in your hand. The power of portable words. Enough words to make you think....a book is something you can respect. A web page is just something that might be amuzing or thought provoking for a few minutes.

People! Talk! I want to hear people respond to my madness...I want to hear someone completely rip my shit apart..to tear it down where it has flaws...because that will at least mean to you thinking about it....if we don't think might as well be dead...right now we are a civilization of fools destroying out home and each other, separating by class and culture and religion, over populating and leting the world and the TV be the teacher of out children....I think the cure to these plagues to society cannot be brought about by one man or one people, but by wide spread thinking. think about what you do, think about what a door is, why is it there, what does it do, who does it serve, think the same about a peice of paper, a car, everything. Everything is there to serve something...we have to think about what, we can't just let it go..

If you trust me, and I tell you a peice of info, what do you think about it? Most people would then belevie that fact based on trusting me...but that is wrong! That is faulty logic. If I tell you something as if it were fact and you trust me not to lie to you, all you know is that *I* beleive it is fact. Maybe you know something I don't, maybe you see it diffrently. And that is just with someone you trust, what about the man on Tv telling you what is news or selling you a car? Quesiton that. Question everything. If something doesn't want to be questioned, question it all the more. Rip society appart with questions....we have to find where it is broken by pulling every loose thread to find the weak parts. Then we know what to fix.

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