Fireduck

2000.03.02

Rar. This guy in my philosiphy recitation said something that almost made me laught out loud. We were discussing where we get knowledge from...someone suggested instints....he responded that we are more advanced than animales and have out grown instincts....I thought that was the funniest stupidist thing I have ever heard. We are animals....when pressed we kill to survive...to hell with justice and logic...we feel what we want inside us and go for it...we try to keep it in check...we try to domesicate ourself...but everyday you see in the news someone who couldn't control it...someone who killed someone...someone who did something crazy because of some shit preventing him/her from getting what he/she wanted. Anyways, my point is that most of us males have a strong urge for combat and competition...I have it...often I have felt like a fighter without something to fight...there is nothing I see as important enough..nothing threatens me enough to make fight and kill. Sometimes I think society is fucked because we deny what we are...deny that we are animals...deny that the way we know to solve problems is to kill things...I think I can see what darwin is saying...if I kill someone because they had something I wanted...then since I won I am better then them and I have done the world a favor by replacing the weak with the strong...right now, any asshole can survive and propogate...in order for something get strong and get better there needs to be a harsh environment...the weak need to be eliminated to make more room for the strong....but there are enough resources for everybody...so we try not to kill each other...i am personaly not going to start killing people...but just wait till we ahve too many people and not enough resources...which is the direction we are heading...then we shall see how our society fairs....I think shit will start going more animal very quickly. We shall see what happens...I don't know...all I know is that you take a man...and you threaten the food that his familily needs and very quickly where once there stood a "civilized" memeber of society you will instead have an animal who would have no problems doing whatever is needed to get that food. Anyways, what the fuck am I ranting about? I am just saying we are not at tame as we like to think and that might be a key thing to consider in the future.
I think I have found the fight I need to fight...inside my head...I have alot of shit I need to work on...I am my own worst enemy...the diffrence between being miserable and happy is a simple decicion...but sometimes that decision is hard to make...to chose to be happy to have to think you are worth it...if you have no self worth it can be really hard...but now I know where to look for my enemy...I have found my fight...I will win...I will make myself whoever I want to be....not by example....JZ I hold no ill will towards to you...nothing can change what occered in the past...but I just have to decide to move past it. I will survive and I will not be like you. And the rest of you who don't think I can do what I set out to do, fuck you all. I don't give a shit. I don't have much to stand on often...I often feel alone as shit like no one gives a shit, but durring those times I still have a little strength...and I know that strength has to come from inside myself...and nothing can take that away..because I have tried...I have tried ripping myself down..ripping down everything I beleive in...when something hurts I hold it close to myself to see if it will kill me, but it never does...there is always something left that I can't kill....I am a damn hard to kill bastard...I wonder who could take the abuse I put myself though...I would venture to guess not many...I am not saying I am better than anyone else...after all I am fucked in the head pretty badly...but I am just saying I have a little decent matterial to work with here. Never count a human dead unless you've seen the body and even then you can make a mistake. That is from Dune by Frank Herbert. He is a sociological mad man.

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