Fireduck

2000.03.30

Grrr...there is the girl that I really like...she is so damn cool....just about everything about her I like...I like the way she is opinionated about things...not just the normal sheep people...and she expresses her opinions with strength and conviction but without being pushy or overbearing...she is the sort of person I can just talk to...and when I talk to her I think she understands...she sees the world like I see it...she is a great person...but I never see her...I was with her for about 2 hours in the last 9 months or so...and I don't know if she cares about me...but even worse than that, I don't know if she is who I think she is...maybe I am just lonely and seeing what I want to see...part of me says I should talk to her and quickly find out...but my logic says otherwise...that if anything is going to develop, it will not be from laying everything on the ground and seeing where we stand...it will be from long conversations in the dark...from laughing togather at stupid stuff...
for her and the things I see in her that I love, I would have no problem being patient and seeing what happens, but I never see her...I probably wont see her till summer and even then we probably wont hang out much...I am afraid that anything we might have togather will never happen...because circumstance just wont work out that way...ugg. I know that if i say anything...if I push to hard to see her, all I will end up with is someone else not talking to me and possibly a long analitical rejection. I'd like to think that if I told her what I was thinking and how I feel that she would understand...but I know thats not true...its not that no one understands me...its that no one wants to deal with me. If I met a female version of myself, I would probably run away. I would just say that there were too many issues...too much need and walk away. How can I blame anyone else for doing the same? Maybe some day someone will prove me wrong. I wont hold my breath.

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