Fireduck

2000.06.15

Why is the internet trying to destroy me? Ugg...I lost a few updates and had to revert to an older copy of the page...of all the files on this system..this file is the most protected and seemingly the most likely to be destroyed. Ugg. Oh well..no big deal.

The Power to speak is the power to lie. Good old Atari Teenage Riot. They seem to yell alot...but they also seem to say things..."they are always trying to bring you back to what they define as reality"...I feel caught in a certain reality now...everything seemed clearer a few weeks ago...like I was more free...now I feel a little traped by the future...like I am on a path...a path taken by most...and if I logicly analyse it, it seems to be the best path for me...but somehow I have this nagging feeling that the path is not the right one...that I should break away from its normality and do something my logic questions...maybe that is some inner knowledge of what is best..or maybe it is just some paranoia of being regular and being mediocer at it. There is a diffrence between walking the path and knowing the path. It is hard to see...suppose we consider life as this path medaphore...you can look ahead of you and behind you...in each case things near to you are fairly clear and becomes more obsecure with distance. I think this works fairly well..it is hard to recall the path or extraoplate the future with objective accuracy....but maybe objectivity is overrated. It is very similar to an inertial reference frame for all those physics people out there...it is usefull for simple problems...how will a rocket thrust move an object? How will a person react to a chalange? But for full understanding..maybe they should be thrown out...for questions like does mater bend space or does time bend in space? What is out purpose here? These questions cannot be answered with such simple math...diffrent levels. Thus perhaps objectivity is a shackle for the big questions...but then we should be used as reference? How should problems be broken down? Should they be broken down? As a computer programer and person of occasional logic..I have learned that complicated problems can be solved by breaking them down into small peices...single interactions...small data sets...simple systems...then the problem can be done accuratly without mcuh effort...but perhaps some questions need a diffrent method...maybe they need to be processed from all angles at once..all vectors move simultaniously...the entire system as one...I think the human mind by default works in this way...but analitical science teaches us to break it down and understand it...maybe intuitive leaps are just solutions to complex problems without breaking them down...by using biological math rather than logical math. If I take my problem and break it down to peices...weight them against one anouther and tabulate a resultant...I get one answer...follow the well taken path that I am already one...but if I crunch the system as a whole...if let my mind roam free and see the next 20 years of my life as a single event...without breaking it down..without picking it apart..I get uncertainty...perhaps it does not matter so much if I stay in school. I know that if I decide to succeed and decide to be happy...in either event I will do so...and the opposite is also true...it is a question not of where I will walk (school or work) but a question of how I will carry myself there (determined or slack). Position does not matter...only velocity and acceleration...with constant upward velocity any negative position can be overcome. Its all about the calculus baby.

I used to think I loved the night because it was dark and secritive...now I know I love the night because it is not so rigid as the day...in the day there is a time for breakfast..a time for work...a time cleaning...durring the night...all of it...is open and undetermined. Maybe this night I will sleep..for tomorrow if it is to be productive will be long and tedious...but at least I am doing something...maybe just moving random currency around...but it is something to do and I can take pride in my work.

first prev next last

single page RSS Feed