Fireduck

2000.07.02

I am here to demonstrate that a person can survive this shit....shit needs to change or i will die...so I will change shit....next time some girl does something that makes me feel like shit...I will throw her ass out of my apartment/life. I dont have the energy to deal with this shit anymore...I just can't...even if I have to be an irrational asshole to protect myself...that is what I have to do. Because it is no longer a matter of me being happy or not...it is a matter of me surviving or not.

Can't mess with the survival instinct...humans (myself is the current example) seem to have an intersting tendancy...we will endure a discomfort for a long time without doing anything if we dont see a way out...but once it actually threatins our survival..then we act...we are resistant to change, but we will eventualy adapt to survive.
I have come to a point...if I keep thinking like I have been and keep letting people effect my like I have been...it is only a matter of time before I kill myself...so I wont let people effect me like that...this means i am going to have to burn some people...I am going to have to push some people away so hard they wont come back...because I can't handle them...but I have to act this way...if you are not helping me...if you dont improve my life overall, then fuck off - I dont need you.
This concept of feeling anger and not directing it at myself is new to me...we shall see how it goes.

A few hours later
I know that to make it...I can't just be trying to survive...just making it will never cut it for me...I have to be fighting for something...something to beleive in...I can't beleive in god, I just dont...I can't beleive in my country...it does too many fucked up things...I can't beleive in people...they have let me down too often...I guess all that is left is myself...I think I know who I am...I think I know what is important to me. I value truth and the search of truth...I value my friends...I value freedom of throught and action...I value searching for answers through relentless inqusition. Maybe that is enough...but what is my goal? Can I put myself on a map and say that I am at point A and I want to be at point B...then I could simply plot a course and walk it...is it that simple? I somehow doubt it will ever be that easy. So where do I want to go? Beleive is not enough..there must also be hope of something to come..something to work for...I need a reason to beat these dragons in my mind...I need a purpose to tear them away and rise to my potential...maybe I shouldn't focus so much on the big picture. True you need to be able to step back and decide the overall plan, but right now I dont need to...I know that with any plan the first step from here is to beat my dragons...after I do that I can decide where i want to go...so for now maybe I can operate on the simple belief that there will eventualy be something worth fighting for..so in the mean time I should just do what I must to do prepare myself to reach my potential. Small steps. Everything has something to teach if you are paying attention.

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