Fireduck

2000.07.06

Nights are the worst.
I am just alone here.
Alone with my hopes.
Alone with my fears.
No human contact.
I slip deeper and deeper.
Every second takes longer than the last.
There is no voice to bring me back.
No one to remind me how to live.
No compassion or understanding.
Just alone within myself.
Alone and frightened.
Scared shitless that this might be all that there is.
Maybe this is just some preverse form of freedom.
All I can do is keep breathing.
The damage is already done.
Tomorrow morning will find me still breathing.
But that does not mean I am alive.

I think maybe I should take a walk...but I dont know where to go. How far do you have to walk to escape yourself?
Iam fucking blind...I am slowly figuring out about myself what is incredibly obvious if I wasn't so blind. I have major security problems. I spend all days look for evidence that people I care about don't like me...and then when I find it, I let it rip me apart. This is obviously a defense mechanism...but what the fuck caused it? What am I trying to defend from? Maybe I'll figure it out one day. Untill then I will just torture myself. I would like to avoid the fate of alienating all my friends and drinking myself into an early grave, but I don't know how.

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