Fireduck

2000.08.16

Truth is not nearly as hard to find as it is to accept.
We often know much more than we admit, because we refuse to accept what we see.
In most cases, given enough trvial data I can determine a persons disposition and intent. This is a mentat ability that I have been working on for years. My main weakness is that I have great difficulty analysing people who have an emotional impact on me. It is not that emotion destroys my logic, but it bends it slightly and always leaves me with doubt of my own solutions. The best way to destroy a mentat is to introduce doubt to the system. The outcome of this handicap is that I can't use this ability on anyhting that really matters to me.

Am I just wasting my time? Will I ever be able to get her to see as I do? Will I ever understand her view? Is she really what I think she is? If I was observiing someone else facing these sort of questions, I coudl generally answer them. But for myself, I do not know. Maybe I do know the truth but refuse to accept it. I coudl accept that solution, but maybe that is me being paranoid and pesimisitic. Maybe I am being too hopefull. Maybe I want something too much. Maybe I don't beleive in myself enough. So in the end I am left with confusion and uncertainty.

There is one thing I know for certain though. There is such incredible simple beauty in her that it nearly drove me insane. It is not a conventional beauty as society defines it...but there is something about her that is simply striking if you are paying enough attention to see it. It is like looking at a large oak tree from the right distance. When you can see both the tree and the individual leaves and how they flow into one and many at the same time. That is the same beauty she has. It is times like now that I wish I could write better. My words are quite inadiquite to describe her profile in the sun. There is something about her that makes her special and I can't describe it. I wonder if anyone has ever told her that. I know if I told her now she wouldn't beleive me. I hope that I can make her beleive it and see it in herself.

Thats probably enough ranting out of me. I probably wont see her again for months.

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