Fireduck

2001.05.23

There is a huge diffrence between doing something decently and doing your best. I do a hell of a lot of things just well enough to get by..and sometimes it dosen't work. There is a great deal of shit I don't care enough about to give it everything I have. Most of it I just consider bullshit and not worth my attention...if I gave 100% to the things I do, I could do fucking anything. I mean anything...whatever I wanted. But I don't. Most things I just dont care enough about. It is amazing when you find something you care enough about to pour yourself into. You do it...maybe for hour...and after you are done, you know that it is all you have...and there isn't any more...sometimes you can't even fucking move after that...you are just sitting there...saying yeah...I couldn't have done that any better. That is a great feeling...and I dont feel it often. I wonder what I could do about that. Sometimes I feel it with writing...sometimes with programming...but it can't be forced...that last few precent of energy come completely from creativity and will power...you can't force it or fake it...any attempt to do so usually turns out crap...either you know what I am talking about or you don't...I am not a good enough writer to explain it right now. I don't know what I am doing...I am confortable for the time being..but that will change soon probably. I dont know. That is constant. Only the things I don't know about shift...I always don't know.

Is there intelgent life on other planets? Why do I feel such a strong need to know? A need to find proof...maybe it is like finding a brother...finding an example for how we as human can possibly survive...to see that it is doable...to see that we are not alone. I think that perhaps we look out because we are afraid to look in. Afraid to look at our selves and the things we do. Everyday I do noble things...I do good things...I help people....but also everyday I do pety things...I shirk responsibility...I place blame...I avoid work...what does this make me? I can't call myself good or bad for this. i am some sorted mix like most of us.
I discovered something not long ago...morals are truely tested when the gains would be great and the transgretion would be small...I was faced with such a choice...and I think I made the right choice...the choice that puts me in a worse situation for now...but I had to do it. I had to do what I felt was right. I am an athiest. A common concept is that atheiest are immoral because they do no beleive. I can't speak for others, but I know in my case that not to be true. I am a very moral person...I have my moral rules which I follow very strictly... the one thing I beleive in the most is the truth. Do whatever you must do, but be true to yourself and speak the truth to others. I can't explain why I think that is so important...I dont know...I don't beleive in some universal constant of justice and morality...I do not beleive in some deity who will punish or reward me based on my actions...and often I don't even think my beleif in truth will benifit me more than hurt me....but yet I know it is important and nessesary. Truth is the doctorin of every great man. I do not think I am a great man, nor do I think I will be. But I do think I have the potential to be. If I am placed in a situation that requires great actions of me, I might wear those shoes. Many people are called great for just following their conscience and doing what any good person would do. I wonder does that swing the other way...if I have the potential for great acts...do I also have the potential for henoius acts...could I be so motivated by greed or spite to do something terrible. I would like to think that I would not. But I do not know. I think any intelegent being must consider these posibilties. Potential is very important...we must never forget our potential. Ask yourself this, why are children so important in almost every society on this planet? Killing a person is common place in the news....killing a child is a horror. I think this is because the potential of a child is unknown.

SAdly, it has been a long time since I have really thought on this level...my brain rebels against it...I think if I go too long without thinking, I will forget how...and I consider that a fate worse than death. If you are not following your own plan, you are probably part of someone elses.

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