Fireduck

2004.03.19.03.59.14

I have been amazingly disconnected from reality recently. My escapism has exceeded normal bounds and gotten close to times only matched in high school. Part of this is not wanting to deal with some projects I should be working on as well as just generally not wanting to deal with society. Today in class I noticed an odd sension that took me back to high school. It was a dual sensation....everyone in the room was quiet to me because I couldn't relate anymore. I listend to them, and their experiences sounded similar to mine, it just didn't connect. Also, everyone was louder because I needed to listen. I was not part of the flow/group, so I had to listen to know what was going on. I couldn't just tune out and move with it. The data flows and I am not quite with it any more. I don't know if this makes any sense, I suspect that it does not.

I need to return to my center. Some stupid little thing was bothering me alot not many hours ago. It was some silly thing in someones away message whom I barely know....that shouldn't get through..that should not reach me but it did. Jung would I think have a great many things to say about my atempts to isolate my conscious from my unconscious...to deny emotion and embrace only logic. I know it can not be healthy, but without it how do I stop from being vulnerable? From being hurt? From crying in public? Maybe the answer is that I don't need to do those things...I used to think that my walls were gone...I think that maybe I just dont know how to turn them off anymore. I think when I at my strongest/most centered/best is when I resolve to what I believe and say what I think...and if I get hurt, so be it. But maybe that is just anouther way of denying emotion..to say that it hurts but it can't effect me is to deny its reality and power. How do I resolve the power of emotion over my belief that no one should have power over me and that any such control must be resisted? Must that control be resisted? That probably breaks down to a trust issue.

I think one of my many problems that is I never talk to anyone. My roomates see a thin slice of who I am...I think I show them who I aspire to be. Of course, maybe I'm not fooling anyone. I should probably talk to someone...which lucky soul wants to deal with my shit? I know there are a handfull who would if I talked to them...in that I am probably lucky.

One of the things that really fucks me up is women...I am somewhat lonely, so occasionaly I'll meet someone who I think I might be intersted in getting something started with...then I get thinking...what do I really have to offer to a women of the calaber (strong, independant, fun, smart) that I would be intersted in? I am not especially atractive, overweight, emotionaly closed off, and apparently pretty bad in bed. What a catch...so in my mind I fail before I even try (which I will grant saves time and reduces ackward conversations). I do have my strong points (honest, intelectual, caring) but those are the qualifications you would want from an encylopedia or a friend not a lover.
Like Shevek, I am not a unified whole, so I can't get any work done.

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