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I wager more than I can afford on a single deal. I put it all in and go to the wall with it. I know I live and die with this one thing.

It turns out shitty. Even if I didn't see it all that time, that look in her eye tonight tells me that I am nothing. If I weren't a fucking stubborn son of a bitch I would have known that five months ago, but I hold to hope. I hold it so long that I think it is going to kill me. I let it tear me apart. I sit huddled in a ball thinking that I never want to feel this way again...that I can't take more of this. But that is the fucking joke. I can take this. It might be a few days before I can stand up again, but I will and I do. I can take this indefinably. I don't know if that means I am strong or stubborn or the sorriest son of a bitch who ever had the misfortune of living, but I can take it and I can go on. Don't ask what that look in my eye don't want to know. There are four lights.

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