Fireduck

2007.05.03.00.28.23

I think I can understand what Cho was thinking. I have not been down that road, but I think that I have seen what the start of it looks like. It starts the way most peoples teenage years start. Feeling lonely, angry, confused and unsure of yourself, almost completely out proportion. We stand free but don't know it at the time. We feel hedged in by the expectations of others and of ourselves and of the world we are inheriting and our hopes and desires and dreams and greed and lust and every other damn thing. We don't look in every direction, we scream and lunge in every direction. We flail against imaginary boundaries trying to reach some goal that we can't visualize or understand or define. We don't know what we want, but it is not this. We cast about sporadically. Maybe in trying to find our place we are rejected or voluntarily withdraw from some group or identity. Then we isolate ourselves. If those jerks don't want us, fine. Their club sucks anyways. Whatever. Eventually it doesn't matter if the isolation is self imposed or imposed by other or imagined to be. It becomes an identity, a protection, something comforting always worn. It tints the world and protects us from it. The normal us vs them becomes me vs them. It allows us to view any attempt to break through as a ploy or conspiracy. Disregard and feeble attempts by the 'others' to drag us back in. The logic is internally consistent. The cloak the protects us also poisons us. Our world makes sense, but it is terrible and very wrong. Stew a few years of being on the outside looking in. Only seeing the cruel or cold or banal. Finally you see that either you are wrong or society is wrong. You are the only one who can really see what is going on. You have to wake them up and they are in so deep that the wake up must be rough. Maybe it is revenge or maybe you are trying to make them see.

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